“Come on! Move faster!” Rhett yelled at the car in front of him. Of all times for him to be
stuck in traffic, this was the worst. He needed to get to Anna. He combed his fingers through his curly dark brown hair and slammed his palm onto the steering wheel causing the horn to blare at the old woman’s Caddy. “Move!” But alas, the car in front of him crawled on the asphalt. He glanced at the clock on the dash, 12:13 am. He looked up to the moon through the windshield and prayed. Prayed that he wasn’t too late.
Anna stared blankly at the tv screen in front of her, not really watching the program on the Kiwi’s of New Zealand. From the moment she woke up this morning she knew this wasn’t going to be a good day. She felt that bizarre void in her stomach, mind, and heart. Something wasn’t right. What that something was she didn’t know. Both her parent’s were away on business, leaving her all alone. She would have called up some friends to hang out at the mall but everyone already had plans. Even Rhett, her boyfriend of a year and a half, was busy but he was helping his church so it was excused in her mind. Helping the less fortunate was more important than her. She got up off the couch in her living room and sluggishly went to her room and put on a hoodie over her X-Large pajama shirt. The shirt looked bigger than it was on her petite form. She g
lanced at herself in the full length mirror next to her closet. Her parents would be appalled by her attire. “A lady should always be fully dressed and proper when she leaves her room.” Her mother lived by these words. Her long dirty blonde hair was still messy from sleep and all she wore was a tee and a hoodie and it was almost 4pm, disgraceful.
Going back to the couch she grabbed her cell phone from the coffee in front of the black leather couch. She flipped open the phone and saw that she had no new texts. That saddened her a bit. She felt a little ignored. Normally she at least got a ‘Good Morning’ from Rhett, but not today. She pulled up the text screen and sent him: “Morn’! How are you?”. She was one of the only people she knew who texted full words not the annoying one letter words and abbreviated words like “ppl” instead of “people”. After twenty minutes of no response she resumed her television “watching”.
The day dragged on and that void grew in Anna. She was used to these episodes of sadness. They came and went. She knew that everyone got depressed once and a while but hers always seemed different. They lasted longer, were more intense, and seemed to be caused by the simplest of things. For example if someone talked to her in an angry tone even if the said they were sorry later, she got a B on a paper she thought she deserved an A, or sometimes nothing triggered it and it just washed over her. When she was like this all she normally had to do was text or call Rhett and he would calm her down. But today she decided not to “bother him” with it.
Anna felt pressure behind her eyes, “No,” She whispered to herself “I’m not going to cry. I’m going to be strong. I can do this.” She closed her eyes and slowly counted to thirty-one. Her lucky number. Normally if she could fight off the tears for thirty-one seconds, she knew that she could control her emotions. Make her more stable. She opened her eyes and smiled. She was in control.
“He doesn’t love you.” The voice whispered in her head hours later while she was watching Gone with the Wind . Anna wasn’t schizophrenic, everyone has a voice in their head. Some voices give people bad ideas, some tell them right from wrong. Anna’s however liked to fill her head with negative thoughts.
“Shut up, yes he does.” Anna retorted
“Then why isn’t he with you?”
“He’s with his church. You know that.”
“You mean with that pretty girl, whats her name now? Cassi, wasn’t it?”
“Yes, Cassi Baker.”
“He had is eye on her before. You remember don’t you?”
“That was before we got together. Plus that was almost two years ago. He loves me.”
“Does he now? What guys say and what they feel are two very different things. You know that. He hasn’t seen you in weeks why would he spend any more time away from you?”
“He made these plans beforehand, so there. He loves me. Why would he stay with me for so long if he didn’t? You’re being foolish”
“Don’t make excuses for him. It’s pathetic. Why would he stay? Plenty of reasons. Maybe he’s scared of saying no? Maybe he’s keeping you around because you’re his little play thing, his little sex toy. You two may not have slept with eachother yet but he’s a guy. That’s all he thinks about. Everything he says to you is only said so it will bring you that much closer to his bed.”
“Don’t say that!” Anna screamed aloud while holding her head between her hands. “Don’t speak such lies to me!” She curled up on the couch her face pressed into the cushions.
“I speak no lies to you. Why would I? I AM you. I’m trying to enlighten you. Make you see the truth. The truth is that he is just a boy “I speak no lies to you. Why would I? I AM you. I’m trying to enlighten you. Make you see the truth. The truth is that he is just a boy and you are a girl who is far beneath him. He is the smartest boy that our school has ever seen, he will have the pick of the finest schools our country has to offer. You would be lucky to even be accepted by his last resort schools. He is kinder than you, better looking than you, smarter than you, and you know what you have no friends. Not really, all of your “friends” would rather be doing other things than be in your presence. You are ugly, stupid, you have no control over anything that happens to you, your grades are average, no good schools would take you in. What have you got going for you? You have no skills what so ever. You are worthless.”
Anna covered her ears trying to block out the voice. It was pointless to do so seeing how the voice was inside her head. Tears streamed down her cheeks. She knew the voice was right. She was nothing. She knew Cassie deserved him, not her. But deep down the rational part of her was trying to break free, trying to make her see that all that was just said was a lie. Quickly she reached for her phone and texted Rhett:
“Rhett, please call or text me as soon as possible. I’m in deep.”
This was her was of telling him that she was losing the battle in her head and was sinking into the ocean of sadness that her mind created. He was her lifeline. But he wasn’t answering. She tried calling but it went right to voice mail. She didn’t leave a message because she knew he never checked it. She texted him fifteen more times in the next hour and a half, but there was no reply.
“Where are you, baby? I need you” She cried to herself, grateful that the voice had silenced its self for now but it was never really gone. Looking up at the grandfather clock by the tv she saw it read ten o’clock. His church group should have been disbanded by now. Again the voices reasons filled her mind. She wanted them to stop, needed them.
She got up from the couch and tried to think of a way to get them to stop. Sleep. Sleeping should get them to stop. Anna smiled at this and turned off the tv and went into her room. Climbing into bed Anna thought of all the things she and Rhett had in this room. All the movies they watched, all the kisses they stole, all the nights they talked to each other for hours on the phone. Strangely this didn’t cheer her up as it normally did. It made her sadder, as if she would never do any of those again. She shook off the feeling as best she could and laid under her covers in the dark, her eyes closed. Sleep did not come to her. She opened her eyes and glanced at the clock, ten thirty. She thought of ways she could make herself sleep and all she could think of was what her grandmother used to tell her. “List the books in the Bible.” She knew she didn’t know them all but it was worth a try, wasn’t it?
“Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, Deuteronomy, Joshua, Judges, Ruth, 1 Samuel, 2 Samuel, 1 Kings, 2 Kings, 1 Chronicles, 2 Chronicles, Job, Psalms, Proverbs, Matthew, Luke, John, Acts, Phililppians, James, Jude, Revelation.” She recited as best she could. There are sixty-six books and she got twenty five. That lifted her spirits a little, but not by much and she still wasn’t asleep and now the clock read eleven. Anna decided that there was no way she was getting to sleep now. Again she texted Rhett to please call her.
“He doesn’t love you, never has never will.” It whispered.
She couldn’t take it anymore. She couldn’t distinguish which thoughts were lies and which were the truth. Her body was racked by her intense sobs, her skin soaked with tears. She couldn’t live with this anymore. Enough was enough. She climbed out of bed and headed to the bathroom.
She gazed into her own lifeless eyes for longer than she ever had in her entire life. Her skin looked pale in the fluorescent lights. Her cheeks were red, as was her nose and eyes.
“He couldn’t possibly love me,” She whispered so softly even she could barely hear herself. “and without him, I am nothing.” She went over to the shower and picked up her razor from it holder on the tile wall. It was easier to break it than she though. From the broken bits of plastic she removed the small blade. She walked over to the sink and placed the blade on the counter. She removed her hoodie and gazed upon the number of scars that lined her arms, making a strange pattern. She lifted the blade and made a small cut on her left forearm. It hurt but it felt so good. It wasn’t deep enough to bleed but it stung like a bitch. She made more until her whole left forearm was covered in cuts, some bleeding, some not, but they all hurt. Anna always kept the wrists for last. She did the same to her right forearm but it was sloppier because she was right handed. She savored the pain in her arms, flexing the muscles made them scream.
Blood dripped down her arms and somehow she felt better, like her body was being released of all its sorrows. Finally she took her phone and the blade and went back into her room. One last time she looked at her phone. No new messages. Anna opened her phone and texted Rhett one last thing before she took the blade and cut deeply into both wrists causing the blood to flow freely. She rested her head into her pillow and closed her eyes.
“Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. Because I will die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take. Amen.”
Rhett glanced at the clock again. Eleven. He had never gone a day when Anna didn’t text him. She knew not to text when he was at church but she knew that it was different today. Didn’t she? He was going to call her, he was worried enough as it was when she didn’t text back in a hour let along not contacting him at all in a full day. He took out his phone and and cursed under his breath. He hated it when his phone turned its self off. He hoped Anna didn’t go deep today, he would never forgive himself if she did and he wasn’t there to help her. She was his everything. The phone buzzed to life and he waited for the text messages to come in. Suddenly he got twenty-one texts. Even when she got bored she never sent that many. He opened the first one.
“Morn’! How are you? ” This one made him smile. He loved it when she texted him first thing in the morning, it always brightened his day. The next nineteen texts however sucked all the happiness out of him.
“Rhett, please call or text me as soon as possible. I’m in deep.”
“Angel please, I need to talk to you.”
“Please, Rhett call me.”
“Its getting hard to keep control. Please contact me.”
Then he read the last text.
” Rhett, I love you and always have. You have been my best friend for as long as I can remember and you have brought me many smiles and laughs, thank you. I don’t know what else to say other than I’m sorry for all the pain my sorrow has caused you over the years. I’m sorry I couldn’t control myself better. I’m sorry I couldn’t be normal for you. I love you so much, I’ll miss you. Don’t be sad, please. Remember me as I was when we were young. Always smiling and happy. I love you so much, Goodbye. Anna”
Rhett dropped the phone. She couldn’t have. Not his baby. He grabbed his phone and saw what time that text had been received. 11:42. His eyes darted to the clock above his desk, eleven fifty.
“There is still time!” He thought. He grabbed his keys and ran to the car. Not bothering to tell his parents where he was going.
“Come on! Move faster!” Rhett yelled at the car in front of him. Of all times for him to be stuck in traffic, this was the worst. He needed to get to Anna. He combed his fingers through his curly dark brown hair and slammed his palm onto the steering wheel causing the horn to blare at the old woman’s Caddy. “Move!” But alas, the car in front of him crawled on the asphalt. He glanced at the clock on the dash, 12:13 am. He looked up to the moon through the windshield and prayed. Prayed that he wasn’t too late.
“Please keep her here. She’s my life, my everything. I’m nothing without her. School ends in a few months, then we were gonna graduate. I was…no am. I’m going to ask her to marry me after the graduation ceremony. Then we would go to college and get married when we got enough money. She’s my soul mate.” He cried, tears staining his face. Finally the little old lady turned and he sped down the road. He didn’t care that he was over thirty miles over the speed limit he needed to get to her.
As soon as he pulled into her driveway, he turned off the car. Not bothering to remove his keys from the ignition. He was glad to find the front door unlocked and ran towards her room.
“ANNA!” He screamed at the tops of his lungs when he saw her lying in her blood soaked bed. He jumped onto the bed beside her and grabbed her wrists trying to keep whatever blood was left inside her, inside her.
“Anna wake up, please wake up. It’s me, Rhett.” He cried, kissing her face. It seemed like an eternity before her eyes slowly opened.
“Rhett?” She mumbled.
“It’s me baby, I’m here.” He said trying to smile for her sake.
“Why are you here?”
“Why wouldn’t I baby?”
“I thought you didn’t love me.”
“Of course I do, angel. More than I do anything on this Earth.”
“Really?” She said her voice getting weaker with each word.
“Really, really. Now angel, I want you to stay awake for me ok? I’m gong to leave the room but I will be back before you know it, ok?” He gushed.
He kissed he lips softly and left the room. He went into her blood stained bathroom and almost vomited when he saw how much she had bled, but he had to keep strong. For both of them. He found two clean towels and went back to her room. He made her a tourniquet and dialed 911. He did as the operators told him to and the tried to keep her conscious as they waited for the ambulance to arrive. After what seemed like a week the paramedics took Anna to the hospital, they didn’t allow Rhett to go with them in the ambulance but he followed them as the went to the Schepplow Hospital.
All the time while he was driving to the hospital all Rhett could think about was what had driven her to do this. Didn’t she know how much she meant to him? Didn’t she know that she was on his mind every second of every day? How could this have happened. When they pulled up to the hospital, Rhett saw them pull out the gurney from the ambulance but everyone moved slower than before and he didn’t understand why. Then he saw. It was covered in a white sheet.